Yepp it has ended between us... again i was left heart brokenly... the last sms was received on 26th dec 2011...
I didn't reply to that cause i thot he needed time and space which i painfully gave...
but he remained quiet..no sign of concern... at all...

Tho I madly deeply like him... it seems like i needed him more than he needed me...
This time I was too tired to be the person who keep on accommodating... even it hurts and bleed...

Alhamdulliah I survived the very frustrating phase of being hurt... of not being appreciated... I accepted it... He was not meant to be the one that own my heart...

When one day.... he were in my shoe... he might look back and understand the scar he left me...

Yepp we are still texting each other... The past Ramadhan month has been a blessing.. I still cannot tell how long will this time last... But now as a remembrance, I feel good. We texted everyday for the past 1 month.. with him waking me up to sahur... like how i put on my status: it is even more romantic than a bouquet of flower and chocolate..

3 Syawal
Despite of the internal crisis that have been revolving whenever 'they' come to visit.. at least I have him! Last night something cross my mind : It would be good if I can beraya at some kampung far away from 'them'. I seriously despise 'them'. Could 'they' change... Can I change to like and love 'them'.... I feel bad because I hate 'them'. Nobody hate their family member. I am physco !

I do not know what happened, what did i do ... why he suddenly change. Why is he heartlessly treat me this way...

20-21th his was in night shift. but i text him too which normally he would reply when he got off work. not this time around. I waited like crazy the whole day on 23rd (my birtday) for his wishes.... nope. nothing..! did he forgot. absolutely not because i could see he was online in fb (on and off)... i still could figure out what went wrong. we didnt quarrel... so suddenly..

on the 24th i text him asking if he was bz. his reply was "off.nak muhasabah diri". so curiously with the answer i ask again if anything wrong.his reply was "tak sehat sikit" so replied for him to get some rest. that was his last text

I could not figured out the reasoning for him to behave in such manner.. on certain day we texted each other until we fell asleep... even after woke up sometime we replied each other.... why is the changes???

the worst one was that he didnt even wish me on my birthday.. do you hate me that much.I thot i was ur bestest friend.... my life is already miserable, all this nearly a year u have become my reason to smile and happy... how could you...

 

Remember entries on "kesah seorg mamat"... well anne is his nick name in my phone for secrecy purpose to people at work at that time (owwhh scandal-like sort of things). Even untill now, i still kept it that way. It's not that we are in relationship of that sort (to celebrate anniversary) but it was 1 year anniversary of me being at this current job of mine. with that it also means that 1year had passed since we met (owhh how sweet). If being in love relationship is a luxurious thing that cud not be mine, well it shud be adequate enough to have 'friend'ship kind of things rite!

He change his job, away from my sight... away from the same air that we used to breath in together... However, I never manage to let him leave me completely. There were ups n down, tears and joy, we still keep in touch (sadly though only through sms).

He cleared the boarder on where this relationship shud be, but I cannot stop my self from habouring hope (how can frend only when our sms keep mounting everyday!!)

Haiyaah... 

Semalam aku cuti sesaja nk rileks... kunun nk tenangkan fikiran...
tapi becoz of him... I am happier at work than at home... all thanks to him...

Today I went to work so excitedly...
But it was too early he's not there yet... then he came in...
I was like so 'menggelabah'... I can't see him in the face, eye to eye like usual... even during breakfast also i keep avoiding any eye contact... stupid me!

During lunch was better, coz before that the atmosphere between us was like normal again... the comfort was there... he even waited long enough for this one girl crying out for sympathy that I'm not sure if she deserved...

Me n L decide to go out for dinner just to have long talk about life... refreshment from work environment... I was so surprised when L told me, that he was not with them for breakfast and for lunch yesterday... Does that mean that he only came to join us becoz of ME... owwhh how I was on cloud 9.. ahah!

Kesian... kesian... kesian aku...
aku slalu gagal untuk tidak ada perasaan syg kpd mereka2 yg bergelar lelaki...
terutamanya bila mereka mula rapat dgn aku...
walaupun berkali-kali aku ketuk kepala aku agar jgn harapkan lebih dr yg nyata... tapi selalunya tinggi pulak imaginasi kepala otak aku ni...

entry ini aku tributekan untuk sesorg yg 5thn lebih muda dr aku.... duduk belakang aku... yg akan meninggalkan opis itu kurg dr sebulan saja lagi... my life surely would be difficult again after that...

mungkin Allah temukan kami untuk aku lebih bersabar dgn dugaanNya, kerana sebenarnya dia lebih bermasalah dr aku... supaya kami dpt berkongsi apa yg munkin tidak dirasakan oleh org lain... aku lihat situasi kami seperti 2 lonely troubled minds find comfort in each other... but i have a weak heart... i easily fall for someone... though i had told myself many2 time not to... Now the situation worsen when i could not do my work anymore except thinking of him... Half of me want him to go so that i could resume to me myself again... but half of me knew, that it would need a lot more strength to lose him and back to my old lifeless life...

apa pun aku ucapkan Alhammdulillah pada Mu Tuhan ku...
kerana menghadirkan dia sebagai teman walau sementara cuma....

Aku rekodkan rentetan sms antara A dan B,sbg pedoman betapa manusia mudah lupa bahawa Allah tuan punya petala langit dan bumi. Mereka mudah merasa megah , sygkan harta dunia dan lupa mengingati mati. Seolah olah kereta itu akan menyelamatkan mereka untuk meniti titian siratul mustakim nanti.... Astaghfirullah hal a'zim....

(10-8-10 sblm lunch break)
B dpt panggilan dr pondok guard psl bpk dia dtg sbb accident n pth tgn. Untuk mempercepatkan process perbincangan B ckp pegi betulkan keta tu dan tunjuk bil, b akan byr.sbb dia perlu meneruskan kerja, sbb dia rasa tak sesuai utk bincang kt situ, sbb dia panik dn terkejut. wlpn begitu dia lega krn melihat bpknya masih boleh berjln, tk luka hanya tgn beranduh. dan untuk tidak memanjangkan cerita krn ibu pelanggar tersebut berkali-kali menyalahkan bpk B.Si pelanggar telah pon bwk bpk B ni ke hospital dan B mintak jasa baik dia utk hantar bpk B blk rumah. B turut risaukan apalah reaksi mak B.

(11-8-10 10:45)
A: a sbgkum.sy minta maaf m'ganggu awk skrg.kereta sy esok msk workshop mungkin siap hr jumaat/sabtu.

[B tak kuasa nk bls.B sedih kenapa semua ni menimpa dia. B tunggu jer berapa bil repair tu sambil mengharapkan simpti dr keluarga pemandu, ibunya seorg ibu tunggal, duduk bkn di rumah kos rendah.]

(16-8-10 lps lunch break)
B sekali lg diminta ke pondok guard krn mk pelanggar nk bertemu.B menolak krn mmg dia sdg berada dlm time kerja.mak pelanggar berckp dlm telefon menuntut B membayar gantirugi krn telah berjanji.dia teros menyerang ke tpt keja krn berperasangka B nk larikan diri. Kerana mk pelanggar itupon kurg bertimbangrasa dan cuba memalukankan B, mungkin B turut terkasar bhs.B enggan meneruskan perbincangan dgn alasan bincang di rumah B.

(16-8-10 ptg sedikit)
B diminta return call. adik pelanggar pula cuba membela nasib ibunya yg kononnya B lah yg bersalah dan mungkir janji tak nk byr pulak.dr perspektive B: B baru saja diberitahu tentang amount tersebut, kenapa tak bg masa utk B pk mcm mana nk settle. tambah lg B bkn berada di tpt kejadian. B pon tk tau sapa y bersalah. mk pelanggar tersebut pon tidak ada di tpt kejadian tetapi dgn yakin menyalahkan bpk B.Ksian bpk B yg dh tua tu, yg sblm ni membantu msk dan jaga ibu B yg dh tk mampu berjln lagi.

Di manakah hati mkcik tu yg juga seorg ibu sanggup melayan B demikian rupa terutamanya dlm bulan2 mulia ini.... B akhirnya tewas dan terpaksa menangis di tpt keja nya.B cdgkan spy bincng di rumah B.

[Slps berfikir B rela byr krn percaya Allah maha adil. Sebesar zarah pon tidak akan terlepas dr kiraan-Nya.Pulang dr kerja B memberitahu hasrat B kpd ibunya yg terbaring.Ibunya meraung dgn apa yg berlaku.B jelaskan sekiranya B di pihak benar, biarlah Allah jd pengadilnya.Kerana B percaya, duit masih boleh diusahakan. kemalangan kereta dan motor: yg lebih teruk boleh berlaku. Ibu B peluk B dan sambil menangis ckp pada B, dia kesiankan B sbb kena tanggung semua ni. B kata dia tak apa2.tujuan dia nk byr spy dia boleh idup tenang tk perlu pk2 lg tentang hal tersebut.B pon msg pelanggar]

(16-8-10 8:21)
B: sy igt sy byr ansur2.sy byr 200 dulu.nnt gj bln ni 25hb, byr lg rm 300.pastu rm 200 gj bln dpn.boleh.sy mskkn bank awk.bg no acc maybank kalo ada.tnye mk awk,leh tk gitu.

(16-8-10 8:22)
B: Kalo stuju tk yh dtg umh sy dah.

(16-8-10 8:22)
B:kalo dtg pon sy tkde cash.

(16-8-10 8:24)
A: slm anak.tak pe lah anak.mk cik nk dtg rumah.bincang betol2.tq

(16-8-10 8:29)
A:tk pe lh anak.lebih baik kte b'semuka dn b'bincg dlu.

(16-8-10 8:31)
B:tk stuju ke? kalo bleh tk yh dtg la.sbb ksian kt mk sy.ksian kat abah juga.nnt ari minggu ni sy g bank.sy tkde transport.br sy leh bank in kan.

(16-8-10 8:33)
B:bincg pon, sy tetap kena byr juga.jd tk pyh susahkan lg hati mk sy.sy merayu.tkt mk sy pengsan.dia ada drh tinggi.

(16-8-10 8:41)
A: tdi awk y suruh dtg umah tpi skrng ni lain alasannya.awk jgn nk bg byk alasan k.jgn nk m'permainkan sy

(16-8-10 8:47)
B:td sy tk smpat pk apa nk buat.lps dh pk br sy plan mcm td.btol InsyaAllah sy byr.tp kalo sekaligus semua tk dptla.tjuan sy nk bank in, spy sy ada resit transfer, bukti sy dh byr.kalo sy byr cash sapa saksi sy.

[16-8-10 8:57 A missed call B 2x]

(16-8-10 9:00)
B: sy byr InsyaAllah.bg sy no acc nk bank in tu.sy tkleh ckp kat tepon.nnt kalo sy ternangis, mk sy dgr.

(16-8-10 9:06)
A: senang cerita mcm ni, mlm ni sy ambik awk pergi bank awk byr 200 lps tu sy hantar awk balik rumah.nnt sy bg awk bil sbgai bukti awk dh byr pd saya

[dlm dompet B cuma ada rm53. B cerita kat mk B. Mk B keluarkan dompet dia.dia hulur rm150.B pon takde hati nk sekereta dgn mereka2 yg tk bertimbang rasa]

(16-8-10 9:25)
A: sy ni nk tlg awk

(18-8-10 9:25)
B:ok

(16-8-10 9:26)
A: ok, awk siap sy dtg ambil awk.

(16-8-10 9:26)
B: ok

[Semasa B serahkan rm200 tu, mereka bertiga masih menaiki kereta.sdgnkn B terpaksa tumpg org utk ke tpt keja.Alasan mereka nk 700 tu krn katanya keretanya dh lama di bengkel.selepas menerima 200 tersebut si anak (mungkin adik pelanggar) mengira sekeping dgn skeping... begitu sekali.Mk pelanggar cuba bermanis muka yg dibuat2 cuba menerangkan yg dia bkn berlaku zalim. B tak de hati nk dgr or tgk mereka ni.Mengapalah mereka tak tergerak utk minta B halalkan duit yg B tu hulurkan?]

Esoknya B beli kuih utk berbuka dgn rm 3. B tak dpt nk pegi bank krn blk kerja jer dia perlu msk utk buka. Alhamdulillah pertolongan Allah dr sumber yg tak disangka-sangka. Pg td, bila B seluk dlm poketnya ada rm6, td B singgah beli roti dan buat sardin roll.Alhamdulillah...

airmata dah makin kerap jadi teman setia... mengalir menitis tiba-tiba..
nk komplain pon tak guna.. tapi kekadang tu menduga iman juga... hikmah disebalik semua ni, Allah Pengatur segala...

lepas satu.. satu pula berlaku... rasa macam penuh dlm ni yg nk diluahkan.. but i lost words to describe my situation...

org ckp jaga mk sakit ni, byk pahalanya... oleh sbb itu aku cuba utk tak mengadu kat org kesusahan aku, dikkuatiri akan mengurangkan pahala pulak... tapi aku tak cukup kuat untuk semua ni...

mungkin aku yg "manja" tk tabah...

sekarang makin terhimpit bila bpk pulak accident... lagii terasa that I cannot do this alone... org yg abah langgar tu mintak ganti rugi kereta dia...
dgn aku yg nk gi kerja ni tak tau mcm mana...
or akan ckp tu la, kenapa tk amek lesen awal2...
nk amek lesen motor.. motor tu dh separuh abd..dgn tak boleh nk startnya... dgn aku yg tak tau naik motor ni... dulu lps spm adalah naik... lps tu tak pernah dah...

dgn sessi bljr kereta yg menyiksakan... sampai hati layan aku mcm tu... kalau aku tau bawak aku tak mintak diajar kan kan...dan kalau dia tahu bebanku... pasti ko tak sampai hati layan aku mcm tu...

gelagat manusia ni... kekdag ditengok mmg buruk...
kunun bertukar-tukar juadah puasa untuk tujuan sedekah...
bawak juadah tu lalu depan rumah org tapi tak singgah pon... sampai hati org buat mk aku mcm ni ehh... tk terpk kah dgn keadaan mk aku mcm tu, dh pasti mmg tak boleh masak... patutnya... *sigh*

seriously aku sgt sibuk sekrg... dlm keaddan diam pon otak aku ligat berpikir... byk sgt dlm kepala aku ni...

abang pon... mcm dh amanahkan kat aku semua... bila tepon makin menambahkan pressure aku... atas sbb entah dr mana.. dia jd or y paling susah aku nk reach untk communication... last2 jadinya... 10 kali draft msg kemudian delete blk... can't you just jenguk so that u could see for urself...

rasa mcm nk tutup pintu raya ni... or nk lari far2 away... jauh dr org2 yg akan menambahkan tekanan... tau complain itu ini tapi tak appreciate pon apa yg aku dah buat...tolong ringankan beban jauh sekali...

It was such a blessed day today. I woke up this morning, still dare not to hope if I could join the bowling tournament today which I desired so much. But somehow I decided to go, just in case. Yes, they said I could replace a male participant that could not make it. There was an objection from a very kerek the makcik, saying that I was not suppose to replace a male. Luckily I got some back up from some other organiser. Clearly that our team was in rik of loosing because we have two female compared to the other group.

As I was playing... there were some moment of dissappointment. I felt that I should do better with more strike and more spare. There was a little hope to win something, but never an individual prize. 1st frame:89, 2nd frame:95. it was not my best record. But dissappointment turn out to be  blessing when I ws announce as 2nd runner up indivdual women with my female team mate also won the 3rd runner up! And our team won 5th place with us the only group with 2 female participant! WOW! I'm happy alhamdulillah......

I celebrated with kfc and karaoke session with my new friends!!!! It was a BLAST!!

Hari ke enam belas...
kegelabahan dgn paycheck yg ilang... tak sure langsung if dah bank in kan or belom..
risau dgn bilik sewa yg masih belom dikemas dan brg2 yg masih belom dikemas..
adalagi, teringat pulak pasal yuran keahlian IKM yg masih belom dibayar dan akan end soon dua datenya sblm akan di dismemberkan...

Alhamdulilah dgn bgn awal sgt kol 3 pg, dptlah teruskan plan utk ke jb... walaupon berat jugak hati tinggalkan mak..
so dptlah settle apa yg patut at least bilik tu if ada yg nak masuk dah boleh didiami...
10.26 angkut beg yg mampu untuk nak balik.. brg yg masih tinggal tu tepaksa lah diangkut di masa yg lain...

aku suker jumpe mereka2 yg familiar... bertukar angin... take a breather..
but then the same thing happened... my frendliness were misunderstood...
i was again approached...
unbelievebly... i'm considering the offer...
i'm desperately need to be taken care of....
I'm desperately suffering a burden...  all kept tightly inside...
I'm desperately need HELP... could it be him... should i try out...
what if i got hurt again in the end... coz it look like the same pattern...